I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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