I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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