I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
