Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
People in love make me want to vomit
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
