Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
