Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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