i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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