You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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