I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
