Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
