You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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