Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
