Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
