batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
