I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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