And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
