I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
