How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
