The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
