My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
