Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
