somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
