The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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