I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
