if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think im going to throw up on grandma
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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