i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
