I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
