I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
