god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
