I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
