if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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