Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize