Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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