he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
