This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
