I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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