Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
