I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
