im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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