I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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