Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
