thus making me awesome and them whores
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
