I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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