WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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