Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
