i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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