Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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