At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
