it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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