Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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