Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
