if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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