I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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