my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
