I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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