I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
