Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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