I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize