The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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