Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
