Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My ATM looks so different sober.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
