if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
