The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
